1 00:00:36,626 --> 00:00:38,992 D'oh! 2 00:00:55,554 --> 00:00:57,044 Stupid junk mail. 3 00:00:58,657 --> 00:01:00,591 Yeah. Win this. 4 00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:04,525 I'll see that he gets it. 5 00:01:04,596 --> 00:01:07,963 How dumb do they think I am? Huh? A check? 6 00:01:08,033 --> 00:01:11,560 One million dollars. 7 00:01:11,637 --> 00:01:16,131 I'm rich! 8 00:01:18,777 --> 00:01:21,803 Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is nonnegotiable. 9 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:25,372 Oh, yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure? 10 00:01:25,451 --> 00:01:28,249 See where it says "Void, void, void" and "This is not a check"? 11 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,686 "Cash value 1 /20th of a cent." 12 00:01:30,756 --> 00:01:32,724 - " Mr. Banker, do not honor." - Shut up. 13 00:01:32,791 --> 00:01:36,056 I had a feeling it was too good to be true. 14 00:01:36,128 --> 00:01:39,495 Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal. 15 00:01:39,565 --> 00:01:42,432 I don't think real checks have exclamation points. 16 00:01:42,501 --> 00:01:44,992 Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest. 17 00:01:45,070 --> 00:01:49,006 Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not gonna start now. 18 00:01:49,074 --> 00:01:51,099 Hey, a cartoon! 19 00:01:54,813 --> 00:01:56,838 Ain't it the truth? 20 00:01:56,915 --> 00:01:58,644 No, it's not the truth, Homer. 21 00:01:58,717 --> 00:02:01,652 It's well-documented that women are safer drivers than men. 22 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,883 Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. 23 00:02:04,957 --> 00:02:07,425 They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh. 24 00:02:10,496 --> 00:02:12,430 Hey, Einstein, put down your reading. 25 00:02:12,498 --> 00:02:14,022 - It's lunchtime. - You go ahead. 26 00:02:14,099 --> 00:02:16,659 Hey, you don't wanna eat? What you do, get one of them stomach staples? 27 00:02:16,735 --> 00:02:19,295 As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables... 28 00:02:19,371 --> 00:02:22,932 "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread." 29 00:02:23,008 --> 00:02:25,476 - Who is that bookworm, Smithers? - Homer Simpson, sir. 30 00:02:25,544 --> 00:02:28,240 Simpson, eh? How very strange. 31 00:02:28,313 --> 00:02:31,441 His job description clearly specifies an illiterate. 32 00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:36,113 We now return to Troy McClure and Delores Montenegro in Preacher With a Shovel. 33 00:02:36,188 --> 00:02:39,180 But Irrigation can save your people, Chief Smiling Bear. 34 00:02:39,258 --> 00:02:41,852 Marge, look at them staring at that idiot box. 35 00:02:41,927 --> 00:02:45,055 God forbid they would ever read something and improve their minds. 36 00:02:45,130 --> 00:02:47,428 You've certainly taken a shine to that magazine. 37 00:02:47,499 --> 00:02:49,865 It's not just one magazine, Marge. 38 00:02:49,935 --> 00:02:53,530 They take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap... 39 00:02:53,605 --> 00:02:57,166 and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket. 40 00:03:00,579 --> 00:03:03,810 God! Those kids don't know what they're missing. 41 00:03:05,784 --> 00:03:07,979 - Dad! - Hey, what gives, man? 42 00:03:08,053 --> 00:03:09,987 the House of Representatives on C-SPAN, 43 00:03:10,055 --> 00:03:13,286 and listen to an inspiring story of wilderness survival. 44 00:03:13,358 --> 00:03:15,485 "Then I heard the sound... 45 00:03:15,561 --> 00:03:17,893 "that all arctic explorers dread— 46 00:03:17,963 --> 00:03:20,727 the pitiless bark of the sea lion." 47 00:03:20,799 --> 00:03:22,460 He'll be killed! 48 00:03:22,534 --> 00:03:26,368 Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article. 49 00:03:26,438 --> 00:03:30,101 Don't be so— Oh, you're right. 50 00:03:34,079 --> 00:03:37,606 Homey, put down your magazine for a minute. 51 00:03:37,683 --> 00:03:41,210 - Huh? - I thought you might wanna snuggle. 52 00:03:41,286 --> 00:03:46,383 That reminds me. "Seven ways to spice up your marriage." 53 00:03:46,458 --> 00:03:50,394 Marge, "You have a nice body... 54 00:03:50,462 --> 00:03:54,296 and if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask." 55 00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:55,958 Thank you, Homey. 56 00:03:56,034 --> 00:03:59,663 Wow! Little meat loaf men! 57 00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:02,738 Where did you get the idea for this, Mom? 58 00:04:02,808 --> 00:04:06,574 Where do you think? This baby never steers you wrong, and it was free! 59 00:04:06,645 --> 00:04:09,136 - Free. - It certainly has enriched our lives. 60 00:04:09,214 --> 00:04:13,014 Wow. "Win a trip to Washington, D.C. 61 00:04:13,085 --> 00:04:15,952 All expenses paid. V.I.P. tour." 62 00:04:16,021 --> 00:04:19,320 - Oh, it's for kids. - Wait, Dad! 63 00:04:20,726 --> 00:04:23,695 An essay contest. "Children under 12. 64 00:04:23,762 --> 00:04:28,165 Three-hundred words, fiercely pro-American." Sounds interesting. 65 00:04:28,233 --> 00:04:31,225 Bart, maybe this is something you'd like to do too. 66 00:04:31,303 --> 00:04:35,501 Mom, it's a nice thought, but we both know that this is the pony to bet on. 67 00:04:37,042 --> 00:04:41,672 What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today? 68 00:04:41,747 --> 00:04:44,477 He'd say, uh... 69 00:04:44,550 --> 00:04:46,142 "Think of a better opening." 70 00:04:46,218 --> 00:04:48,618 - How's it going, honey? - Not very well. 71 00:04:48,687 --> 00:04:52,054 Well, when I used to get stuck like this, I'd go for a bike ride. 72 00:04:52,124 --> 00:04:55,116 - Do kids go on bike rides anymore? - Yes! 73 00:04:55,193 --> 00:04:58,754 I don't know. I thought maybe bikes weren't cool anymore. 74 00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:03,028 - Do kids still use that word "cool"? - Yes, Mom! 75 00:05:11,009 --> 00:05:14,376 Okay, America, inspire me. 76 00:05:16,848 --> 00:05:19,146 Wow, a bald eagle. 77 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,611 Hmm. 78 00:05:24,690 --> 00:05:26,749 Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad. 79 00:05:26,825 --> 00:05:29,988 Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine. 80 00:05:30,062 --> 00:05:33,998 "So burn the flag if you must, but before you do... 81 00:05:34,066 --> 00:05:36,159 "you better burn a few other things. 82 00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:38,532 "You better burn your shirt and your pants. 83 00:05:38,604 --> 00:05:40,970 " Be sure to burn your TV and car. 84 00:05:41,039 --> 00:05:43,405 "Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house... 85 00:05:43,475 --> 00:05:47,377 "because none of those things could exist without six white stripes... 86 00:05:47,446 --> 00:05:51,041 seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars." 87 00:05:51,116 --> 00:05:52,811 Thank you very much. 88 00:05:52,884 --> 00:05:55,614 Yeah! Damn right! 89 00:05:58,690 --> 00:06:03,559 " Recipe for a free country: Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. 90 00:06:03,629 --> 00:06:06,757 Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power." 91 00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:12,628 " My back is spineless. My belly is yellow. 92 00:06:12,704 --> 00:06:14,729 I am the American nonvoter." 93 00:06:16,975 --> 00:06:20,433 "Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances." 94 00:06:22,881 --> 00:06:25,941 " Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell. 95 00:06:26,018 --> 00:06:29,044 Ding— freedom. Dong— opportunity. 96 00:06:29,121 --> 00:06:32,716 Ding— excellent schools. Dong— quality hospitals." 97 00:06:35,193 --> 00:06:39,152 "When America was born on that hotJuly day in 1 77 6... 98 00:06:39,231 --> 00:06:43,668 "the trees in Springfield Forest were tiny saplings, trembling towards the sun. 99 00:06:43,735 --> 00:06:45,794 "And as they were nourished by Mother Earth... 100 00:06:45,871 --> 00:06:48,533 "so too did our fledgling nation find strength... 101 00:06:48,607 --> 00:06:51,474 "in the simple ideals of equality and justice. 102 00:06:51,543 --> 00:06:55,240 "Who would have thought such mighty oaks or such a powerful nation... 103 00:06:55,313 --> 00:06:59,477 could grow out of something so fragile, so pure?" 104 00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:01,644 Thank you. 105 00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:05,023 - What do you think? - It's good. 106 00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,990 A little too good for an eight-year-old. 107 00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:10,995 Me thinks I detect the sickly scent of the daddy. 108 00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:15,693 Mr. Simpson, I'd like to ask you a few questions about your daughter's essay. 109 00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:18,827 - Lisa, will you excuse us? - Okay. 110 00:07:18,904 --> 00:07:21,498 "We the purple"? What the hell was that? 111 00:07:21,573 --> 00:07:24,303 - Are you a professional writer? - Mm-mmm. 112 00:07:24,376 --> 00:07:26,435 Are you interested in politics or government? 113 00:07:26,511 --> 00:07:28,172 I don't know. 114 00:07:28,246 --> 00:07:31,807 - Are you interested in anything? - I don't know. 115 00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:35,250 - Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. - Mm. Hmm. 116 00:07:37,522 --> 00:07:40,184 Lisa, after meeting your father... 117 00:07:40,258 --> 00:07:42,886 I've decided to award you an additional five points. 118 00:07:42,961 --> 00:07:46,556 Congratulations. You and your family are going to Washington. 119 00:07:46,631 --> 00:07:48,963 Wa-hoo! Who would have guessed... 120 00:07:49,034 --> 00:07:52,165 reading and writing would pay off? 121 00:08:01,074 --> 00:08:04,100 - Yes, sir, can I get you something? - Playing cards, notepad... 122 00:08:04,177 --> 00:08:06,611 aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin... 123 00:08:06,679 --> 00:08:08,977 propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask... 124 00:08:09,048 --> 00:08:12,245 - and anything else I've got coming to me. - I'll see what I can do. 125 00:08:12,318 --> 00:08:15,287 Hmm. 126 00:08:15,354 --> 00:08:18,619 Steward! 127 00:08:18,691 --> 00:08:21,683 Little boy, I bet you'd like to visit the cockpit. 128 00:08:21,761 --> 00:08:23,285 Ooh-ooh, baby! 129 00:08:23,362 --> 00:08:26,798 And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle. 130 00:08:26,866 --> 00:08:28,959 Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats? 131 00:08:29,035 --> 00:08:31,799 No, thank you. I'd rather push this button. Oops! 132 00:08:31,871 --> 00:08:34,101 No! 133 00:08:34,173 --> 00:08:36,869 We're all gonna die! 134 00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:45,481 Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. Taxi.! 135 00:08:46,886 --> 00:08:49,753 Oh, look, Homer, the I.R.S. 136 00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:53,485 - Boo! - Oh, boo yourself. 137 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:57,154 Here we are, kids. The Watergate. 138 00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:09,674 Hey! 139 00:09:09,742 --> 00:09:13,303 Homer, look.! They give you a shower cap... 140 00:09:13,379 --> 00:09:16,678 and body gel and bathrobes. 141 00:09:16,749 --> 00:09:19,547 And a welcoming mint on your pillow. 142 00:09:19,619 --> 00:09:23,521 Wow, a shoehorn. Just like in the movies. 143 00:09:23,589 --> 00:09:27,787 Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off. 144 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:30,124 Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. 145 00:09:30,196 --> 00:09:32,130 Hey, I call first bedsies. 146 00:09:32,198 --> 00:09:35,690 Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up. 147 00:09:35,768 --> 00:09:37,702 Well, okay, which one do you want? 148 00:09:37,770 --> 00:09:40,796 I... want... that one. 149 00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:43,307 Really? You want that one? 150 00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,139 It's all yours. Whatever you say. 151 00:09:45,211 --> 00:09:47,543 - Why? What's wrong with it? - Nothing. 152 00:09:47,613 --> 00:09:49,877 - Have a good night's sleep, Lisa. - No, really, what? 153 00:09:49,949 --> 00:09:51,883 - Nothing. - What did you do to it? 154 00:09:51,951 --> 00:09:54,317 - Nothing. - Mom! 155 00:09:56,489 --> 00:10:00,255 What the— D'oh! Stupid welcoming mint! 156 00:10:00,326 --> 00:10:03,591 - Hello? - Good morning. This is your wake-up call. 157 00:10:03,663 --> 00:10:06,029 Wake-up call? It's 2:00 a.m. 158 00:10:06,098 --> 00:10:08,032 Sorry, fatso. 159 00:10:11,237 --> 00:10:14,229 Free food? 160 00:10:14,307 --> 00:10:18,903 Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley— patriotism editor of Reading Digest. 161 00:10:18,978 --> 00:10:20,912 Oh, I love your magazine. 162 00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:23,278 My favorite section is " How to Increase Your Word Power." 163 00:10:23,349 --> 00:10:27,979 That thing is really, really, really... good. 164 00:10:28,054 --> 00:10:32,388 Well, good. Lisa, I'd like you to meet some other finalists. 165 00:10:32,458 --> 00:10:35,586 - This is Trong Van Dinh and Maria Dominguez. - Hello. 166 00:10:35,661 --> 00:10:38,129 Maria is the National Spelling Bee Champion. 167 00:10:38,197 --> 00:10:41,257 And Trong has won both the Westinghouse Talent Search... 168 00:10:41,334 --> 00:10:44,667 and the NFL Punt, Pass and Kick Competition. 169 00:10:44,737 --> 00:10:48,673 Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior ability? 170 00:10:48,741 --> 00:10:52,268 - Hmm? - Sure, I guess. - Oh, me too! 171 00:10:53,646 --> 00:10:55,807 These are special V.I.P. badges. 172 00:10:55,881 --> 00:10:57,906 They'll get you into places other tourists never see. 173 00:10:57,984 --> 00:11:01,647 - Miss, what does the "I" stand for? - Important. 174 00:11:01,721 --> 00:11:04,713 - Oh! How about the "V"? - Very. 175 00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:07,418 - Oh! And, miss, just one more question. - Person. 176 00:11:07,493 --> 00:11:09,427 Ah! 177 00:11:09,495 --> 00:11:11,759 - What does the "I" stand for again? - Oh! 178 00:11:16,335 --> 00:11:21,329 - "On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games." - Yeah, right. 179 00:11:21,407 --> 00:11:25,241 Wow, the president's bathroom. 180 00:11:28,614 --> 00:11:31,515 - Do you mind? - Barbara Bush! 181 00:11:31,584 --> 00:11:34,417 Oh, you have those damn badges. 182 00:11:34,487 --> 00:11:39,083 Okay. This tub was installed in 1894. 183 00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:43,151 Mmm. Money. 184 00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:47,856 Hey, watch it, chief. 185 00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:51,164 Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day. 186 00:11:51,237 --> 00:11:53,762 Oh, and in case you were wondering... 187 00:11:53,839 --> 00:11:56,034 no, we don't give out free samples. 188 00:11:58,110 --> 00:12:00,044 Lousy, cheap country. 189 00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,486 Bart, get out of The Spirit of St. Louis.! 190 00:12:11,357 --> 00:12:15,123 Hey, what's so funny. 191 00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:18,755 Oh, Marge, grow up! 192 00:12:20,299 --> 00:12:23,325 Congressman, this is, uh, Springfield National Forest. 193 00:12:23,402 --> 00:12:27,133 - Now, basically, what we wanna do is cut her down. - Uh-huh. 194 00:12:27,206 --> 00:12:29,834 As you can see in our artist's rendition, it's full of old growth... 195 00:12:29,909 --> 00:12:31,968 just aging and festering away. 196 00:12:32,044 --> 00:12:34,740 In comes our logging company to thin out the clutter. 197 00:12:34,814 --> 00:12:37,476 It's all part of nature's, you know, cycle. 198 00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,484 Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist, and, uh... 199 00:12:39,552 --> 00:12:42,385 I'd like to give you a logging permit, I would, but, uh... 200 00:12:42,455 --> 00:12:44,787 this isn't like burying toxic waste. 201 00:12:44,857 --> 00:12:47,325 People are gonna notice those trees are gone. 202 00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:50,995 Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. 203 00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:55,500 I— I never quite know how to put this. 204 00:12:55,568 --> 00:12:57,502 - I just want to— - Offer me a bribe? 205 00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:03,541 Oh, what is it? 206 00:13:03,609 --> 00:13:06,476 It's that little girl from Springfield who wrote the essay. 207 00:13:06,545 --> 00:13:08,376 - Could be a good photo-op. - Sure, fine. 208 00:13:08,447 --> 00:13:10,915 - So, uh, where do we— - Duh, duh, duh, Not here. 209 00:13:10,983 --> 00:13:15,920 I've got a little place that I use for these, uh, matters. Call me tonight. 210 00:13:15,988 --> 00:13:20,220 - Well, hi there. You must be Lisa Simpson. - Hello, sir. 211 00:13:20,292 --> 00:13:23,227 Lisa, you're a doer, and who knows, maybe someday... 212 00:13:23,295 --> 00:13:25,229 you'll be a congressman or a senator. 213 00:13:25,297 --> 00:13:27,026 We have quite a few women senators, you know. 214 00:13:27,099 --> 00:13:30,000 Only two. I checked. 215 00:13:30,069 --> 00:13:32,731 You're a sharp one. Well, how about a few pictures? 216 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,601 Tot shot always plays in the sticks. 217 00:13:38,677 --> 00:13:40,668 Oh, isn't that nice? 218 00:13:40,746 --> 00:13:42,680 Now there is a politician who cares. 219 00:13:42,748 --> 00:13:46,445 If I ever vote, it'll be for him. 220 00:13:50,689 --> 00:13:52,850 Mom? 221 00:13:52,925 --> 00:13:55,621 Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours. 222 00:13:55,694 --> 00:13:57,889 I'm too excited to sleep. 223 00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:00,227 Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? 224 00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:02,859 - Who's that? - An early crusader for women's rights. 225 00:14:02,935 --> 00:14:05,961 She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1 91 0. 226 00:14:06,038 --> 00:14:09,132 Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece. 227 00:14:09,208 --> 00:14:13,440 Okay, but you don't know what you're missing. 228 00:14:17,416 --> 00:14:19,680 Oh! 229 00:14:19,752 --> 00:14:22,152 "I will iron your sheets when you iron out... 230 00:14:22,221 --> 00:14:24,348 the inequities in your labor laws." 231 00:14:24,423 --> 00:14:26,914 Amen, sister. 232 00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,926 I told you no one ever came here. 233 00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:32,862 So, Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest? 234 00:14:32,932 --> 00:14:35,696 Do I get my logging permit? 235 00:14:35,768 --> 00:14:39,704 Well, let me put it this way, Jerry. Timber! 236 00:14:44,810 --> 00:14:47,142 - What a pooch. - Woof woof! 237 00:15:01,296 --> 00:15:05,665 How can I read my essay now? I don't believe my own words. 238 00:15:09,738 --> 00:15:12,332 Honest Abe— he'll show me the way. 239 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,708 - Mr. Lincoln— - Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice. 240 00:15:20,783 --> 00:15:22,944 What can I do to make this a better country? 241 00:15:23,018 --> 00:15:24,952 Is this a good time to buy a house? 242 00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:27,887 - I can't get my boy to brush. - Would I look good with a mustache? 243 00:15:27,956 --> 00:15:31,187 I tried using turpentine, but that just made it worse. 244 00:15:33,629 --> 00:15:36,189 Mr. Lincoln? Mr. Lincoln? 245 00:15:36,265 --> 00:15:40,224 My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem! 246 00:15:43,305 --> 00:15:46,035 Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson... 247 00:15:46,108 --> 00:15:48,406 - and I have a problem. - I know your problem. 248 00:15:48,477 --> 00:15:50,570 The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. 249 00:15:50,646 --> 00:15:53,581 - Sorry, sir. It's just— - No one ever comes to see me. 250 00:15:53,649 --> 00:15:56,516 I don't blame them. I never did anything important— 251 00:15:56,585 --> 00:15:58,576 just the Declaration of Independence... 252 00:15:58,654 --> 00:16:01,145 the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter— 253 00:16:01,223 --> 00:16:03,589 Maybe I should be going. I caught you at a bad time. 254 00:16:03,659 --> 00:16:07,425 Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely. 255 00:16:27,850 --> 00:16:31,149 The truth must be told. 256 00:16:35,491 --> 00:16:39,018 Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! 257 00:16:39,094 --> 00:16:41,722 Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker. 258 00:16:41,797 --> 00:16:44,630 Your laundry, sir. 259 00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:46,691 There you go. Buy yourself something nice. 260 00:16:46,768 --> 00:16:50,761 - Thank you. - Bart, are you ready to go to— 261 00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:52,864 - I'll room service you.! - Before you kill me... 262 00:16:52,941 --> 00:16:55,341 remember, this trip is all expenses paid. 263 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:15,025 - Thank you. - Oh, this guy is awful. 264 00:17:15,097 --> 00:17:17,031 I know, honey, but just sit still. 265 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,435 Welcome, everyone, to the awards luncheon. 266 00:17:21,503 --> 00:17:24,165 I'd like to introduce our distinguished judges... 267 00:17:24,239 --> 00:17:26,298 who will select our scholarship winner. 268 00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:29,708 Former Redskins great Alonzo Flowers... 269 00:17:29,778 --> 00:17:32,770 perennial third-party candidate Wilson DeFarge... 270 00:17:32,848 --> 00:17:35,146 Senate page Brad Fletcher... 271 00:17:35,217 --> 00:17:37,447 skin care consultant Rowena... 272 00:17:37,519 --> 00:17:41,216 and wealthy gadabout Chilton Gaines. 273 00:17:41,290 --> 00:17:45,386 Our first essayist will be Lisa Simpson. 274 00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:48,952 Lisa? Lisa? 275 00:17:49,031 --> 00:17:53,058 Oh, there she is. 276 00:17:53,135 --> 00:17:55,831 Lisa Simpson will now read her essay— 277 00:17:55,904 --> 00:17:58,896 I would like to read a different essay, if I may? 278 00:17:58,974 --> 00:18:01,204 Um— Okay. 279 00:18:03,345 --> 00:18:06,439 The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp... 280 00:18:06,515 --> 00:18:10,474 some 200 years ago and very little has changed. 281 00:18:10,552 --> 00:18:13,544 It stank then and it stinks now. 282 00:18:13,622 --> 00:18:17,786 Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air. 283 00:18:17,859 --> 00:18:20,521 Cool! A ruckus. 284 00:18:23,198 --> 00:18:25,962 And who did I see taking a bribe... 285 00:18:26,034 --> 00:18:28,525 but the honorable Bob Arnold. 286 00:18:28,604 --> 00:18:31,072 But don't worry, Congressman... 287 00:18:31,139 --> 00:18:35,269 I'm sure you can buy all the votes you need with your dirty money. 288 00:18:35,344 --> 00:18:39,110 And this will be one nation under the dollar... 289 00:18:39,181 --> 00:18:42,514 with liberty and justice for none. 290 00:18:47,656 --> 00:18:50,056 Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest. 291 00:18:50,125 --> 00:18:52,559 - Please, son, I'm very busy. - A little girl... 292 00:18:52,628 --> 00:18:55,688 - is losing faith in democracy. - Good Lord! 293 00:19:00,402 --> 00:19:04,338 Congressman, we want to drill for oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head. 294 00:19:04,406 --> 00:19:07,842 Well— Teddy who? 295 00:19:07,909 --> 00:19:10,537 Congressman... 296 00:19:10,612 --> 00:19:12,546 you're under arrest. 297 00:19:16,518 --> 00:19:19,146 - You work fast. - I work for Uncle Sam. 298 00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:25,621 We will now vote on the House bill 1022— 299 00:19:25,694 --> 00:19:27,525 the expulsion of Bob Arnold. 300 00:19:27,596 --> 00:19:31,555 Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we tack on... 301 00:19:31,633 --> 00:19:34,397 - a pay raise for ourselves? - No.! 302 00:19:38,073 --> 00:19:41,167 Okay, this should make my bosses very happy. 303 00:19:41,243 --> 00:19:46,408 - Your bosses? - Yep. All 250 million of them. 304 00:19:49,451 --> 00:19:51,976 When my family arrived in this country four months ago... 305 00:19:52,054 --> 00:19:54,887 we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. 306 00:19:54,956 --> 00:19:59,086 Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centers. 307 00:19:59,161 --> 00:20:02,392 Where else but in America— or possibly Canada— 308 00:20:02,464 --> 00:20:05,365 could our family find such opportunity? 309 00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:08,096 That's why whenever I see the stars and stripes... 310 00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:12,197 I'll always be reminded of that wonderful word "flag." 311 00:20:14,276 --> 00:20:17,541 There will be a brief recess while the judges tabulate their votes. 312 00:20:17,612 --> 00:20:20,206 Lisa, what's gotten into you? 313 00:20:20,282 --> 00:20:23,046 Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd pleasing. 314 00:20:23,118 --> 00:20:27,885 I'm sorry, Dad. I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks. 315 00:20:27,956 --> 00:20:31,016 Extra! Extra! Feds nab rotten rep. 316 00:20:31,093 --> 00:20:33,027 Give me one of those. 317 00:20:33,095 --> 00:20:37,191 "Imprisoned congressman becomes born-again Christian. " 318 00:20:37,265 --> 00:20:41,031 I can't believe it. The system works. 319 00:20:46,942 --> 00:20:50,343 - He already sang this song. - No, that was about the budget gap. 320 00:20:50,412 --> 00:20:52,039 This is the trading gap. 321 00:20:53,482 --> 00:20:55,882 And now the moment of truth. 322 00:20:55,951 --> 00:21:00,684 Will the winning essay be " Bubble on, O melting pot"? 323 00:21:00,756 --> 00:21:03,657 "Lift high your lamp, Green Lady"? 324 00:21:03,725 --> 00:21:06,558 "USA, A-OK"? 325 00:21:06,628 --> 00:21:09,256 Or "Cesspool on the Potomac"? 326 00:21:09,331 --> 00:21:12,300 Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! 327 00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:14,801 And now the winner is... 328 00:21:14,870 --> 00:21:18,101 " USA, A-OK," by Trong Van Dinh. 329 00:21:18,173 --> 00:21:20,403 D'oh! 330 00:21:23,111 --> 00:21:26,239 Miss Crowley, thank you for this oversized novelty check. 331 00:21:26,314 --> 00:21:29,841 I would like share this honor with all of my fellow essayists... 332 00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:32,887 particularly the courageous Lisa Simpson... 333 00:21:32,954 --> 00:21:35,149 whose inflammatory rhetoric reminded us... 334 00:21:35,223 --> 00:21:38,715 that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance. 335 00:21:38,794 --> 00:21:41,888 Give her the check! 336 00:21:41,963 --> 00:21:43,954 I was serious. 337 00:21:57,445 --> 00:21:59,913 - Ow.! - Bart! 338 00:21:59,981 --> 00:22:03,439 Lis, you taught me to stand up for what I believe in. 339 00:22:52,712 --> 00:22:54,646 Shh!